Little Wicked
by MysticSpiritus
Summary: Dead, defeated, destroyed. Kuja finds himself in the underworld and faces judgement by Hades and his court. What does the scales say when the heart of the Dark Messenger is weighed? A sort of companion fic to Dance with the Devil at the Crossroads.


_Mystic: Know what's funny? When your husband's ringtone is Heathens by Twenty-One Pilots and his phone goes off in a church parking lot while he's surrounded by religious relatives._

* * *

"Where do bad folks go when they die?

They don't go to Heaven where the angels fly ..."

So sang the Dark Lord on his mahogany piano. Souls so often thought that the netherworld involved lakes of fire, crushing darkness, and fields of hideous monsters that couldn't wait to crawl out from beneath children's beds or sneak attack from the same childrens' closets. Okay, well, there was one part of the netherworld that involved such creatures, but that was reserved for the worst of the worst souls. Demons hid under beds or closets, true, but it was more for the child's well-being because horrible things tended to happen to the youngest of humanity.

Guardian demons did not tolerate such games like "hide the teacup" with the creepy parent who forgot about keeping one's hands to oneself. Demons loved - well, got off on - dragging such creepers down to the area with the really bad monsters. The child would wake up in one of Persephone's temples in the care of her priestesses' and taught good things like science, accepting of the self, and how to kick future ass.

Lilith often taught the 'How to Kick Ass' portion of the curriculum. But, anyway.

The piano was a gift Hades gave himself because he liked to keep things classy. Sometimes sweet, sexy wifey brought him a drink and sat beside him, resting a hand on his thigh which caused him to lose his groove. Obviously, he didn't care. Currently, sweet sexy wifey prepared the throne room for a new soul. Chaffs of wheat and dried flowers were going to be hung by the mantels with care ... because Charon the boat driver would soon be there.

"New soul! New soul! New soul!"

The lesser demons never shied away from the excitement. Poets of the ages likened the lesser demons to tiny dragons. Sure, they had the wings and claws, but they also had soft fur, preferred to drink cream, and made a gentle purring sound when scritched under their chin. Most enjoyed sitting in a sunny window when given permission to go topside on Gaia. A few especially liked jumping up on Hades' shoulder, then plunking into his lap to listen to their Dark Lord play the pretty music.

"Um, do you mind?" he asked the lesser demon with the bright yellow eyes. "I'd like to chill before being a judge this evening."

The lesser demon turned around a few times, dug its claws back and forth into Hades' legs, then relaxed with a yawn. "You can chill with me. I don't mind."

How considerate. "Is wifey almost done?"

"I dunno."

Hades needed to figure out how to approach this new soul. He wanted it to be memorable since this would be the last soul sexy wifey would assist with judgment before she went topside to usher in the fertile spring. His boat driver sometimes sat as a judge, but considering the personality of said soul, Charon had probably dealt with it long enough. Lilith, of course, but if she sat in judgment, Asmodeus would fight to be there as well.

Actually, that could work. Perfect. "Alright, I need to move now."

"I'm comfy."

Hades simply lit a fire ball, making sure its light shone upon the floor. The lesser demon took notice of the shiny light. "There it is again! I gotta catch it!" The lesser demon bolted and started the chase. "Come back, shiny! I must absorb your power!" Tiny claws darted back and forth - and Hades closed his piano and sauntered off with extra swag.

* * *

No longer satisfied with sitting idly on the Lindblum throne, Hilda spent her mornings at the Santa Clara Hospital. She was usually assigned to Ward 5 - infants and young children. Let the Regent handle the politics; give her the little boy who wheezed so loudly that one could hear him at the other end of the hall, or the little baby who required extra time in the bright sun to stop his skin from turning yellow.

Lady Hilda often took her tiny charges out to enjoy the sunshine. Clean air opened the lungs. "Cough really loud for me," she'd instruct. "Wet lungs are bad lungs. One more time."

"I just coughed something up, sister! It's yellow!"

"Good, that's wonderful. That means you're getting better." Lady Hilda didn't stand tall when she talked to children; she knelt down to see them on their level. "Do you feel the air getting warmer? Deep breath. Feel that warm air."

"Is Lady Persephone returning to Gaia soon?"

"Yes, it is almost her time." The baby squirmed in its pram. Hilda re-positioned the little thing so the sun shone directly on its stomach. "Everyone knows that Persephone loves little children, but few know how much Hades adores children too."

Gasp. "The dark lord likes children?"

"Of course, he does. Long ago, Hades had words with Alexander because Alexander wanted complete authority and obedience from his subjects. Hades didn't like that. He knew that it was good for all of us to ask questions and stand up against bad things. That's why the dark lord likes children."

"So Hades doesn't get mad if I don't like my bedtime?"

Lady Hilda saw what the little boy was trying to do. She laughed because he was cute. "But remember, good sleep helps us grow and get better."

"Is that just something grownups say?"

Future magistrate of the Dark Lord. Right there.

* * *

Charon needed a drink. "Judge this royal cunt on your own time, Hades. I'm done for the day."

A silver pile landed before the throne of the Dark Lord. Forced to kneel - mainly because Charon knew it would piss off this particular soul - Kuja glared from beneath tangled and bloodied silver hair. Golden eyes returned the staredown. And the Dark Lord meets the Dark Messenger.

"Thank you, Charon; you are relieved."

Hades chose his goat form today, mostly because he liked to show off his horns when his wife sat beside him on her throne, mostly because he knew Kuja saw him in goat form on Gaia. "Shall I call you Pan or Baphomet?" the sorcerer queried, not bothering with politeness.

Persephone sat surrounded by dried flowers and chaffs of wheat. "Kuja, sweetie, let's not start with the smart mouth."

"My lady," he responded.

"I appear to you as you last saw me while alive." Hades, while goat, spoke in a raspy and deep tone that brought thunder within the souls of those living and deceased. "I am your Lord and your Judge, so speak wisely because your words help determine where you spend eternity."

_**"SEND THAT COCK-JUGGLING THUNDERCUNT DOWN TO HEL! LET SET EAT HIS TINY DICK!"**_

A female pale of skin, dark of hair, and revenge of knives or anything sharp, sprinted toward the startled soul, but muscular arms wrapped her in a bear hug to prevent the revenge of knives. "Let go, Asmodeus! Let me at the cock-juggling thundercunt!"

Hades sighed, rubbed his temples. Persephone erupted in hearty laughter.

"Lilith, violence doesn't work on his kind."

"Try me!"

The sorcerer (deceased) took a moment to scan the scene that befell him. Hades, Lord of the World Below and patron of the majority of witch covens, sat upon his throne bare-chested, large-horned, cloven feet crossed because he was a gentleman. His bride always kept her appearance of an earth-loving gardener: long skirt, long hair, bracelet of hemp, and socks with sandals. Her throne was of equal status to her husband, yet at his left hand. She often snacked on pomegranates.

Everyone knew Charon, king of reapers, expert ferry driver. Kuja enjoyed antagonizing the spirit guide. Charon sometimes remained to act as judge, but this evening was not that evening.

Along with Hades, witches invoked the assistance of Lilith, the female with the disgusting potty mouth. She was Gaia's first woman created by Alexander. It didn't end well for anybody, particularly for males who mistreat women or children. Her hobbies included knife skills, teaching young girls to kick ass, and leading one Hades' armies to make Alexander piss himself.

Good fun.

Lilith struggled against the muscled demon who wore a loin cloth - a large loin cloth. He didn't have to wear anything else. This was Asmodeus, the demon of lust who convinced married couples to attend key parties with other married couples. Hence, the loin cloth. "You need to get into his head," Asmodeus tried to explain.

"I'll get inside his head with a carving knife! I'll carve him like a turnip!"

"Trust me, dear. Just watch."

"Prove it, then."

Finally safe to release the Mother of Demons, Asmodeus stepped forward to unleash his special brand of mind torture. "Kuja, I take it?"

Kuja decided to be respectful. "My liege."

"You know who else knows how to take it?" Dramatic pause. "The Lady Hilda." The sorcerer snapped his gaze straight toward the demon. "Wanna know why she's a lady in the castle yet a freak in the bed? Yo."

Persephone gigglesnorted.

"You don't get initiated into the coven unless you spend a night with me."

" ... I'll take my chances with the canary who likes to carve turnips."

"DID HE JUST CALL ME A CANARY?"

Somewhere, at some point on Gaia, a visionary under the influence of the two moons, watched this entire exchange of soul judgement and decided to adjust the potency of the mushroom magick. Hades growled, releasing the flames on the lake that snaked behind his throne. "Get the scales," he ordered. "And bring me Kuja's heart!"

It was an ancient custom, but the best and most effective custom. The deceased's heart is weighed against a feather that represents truth and honor. A lesser demon, its wings smoothly flapping, carried in the scales. The scales were small enough to weigh a heart, but large enough to determine eternal fate. It was Persephone who liked to remove the heart. "Must I remain on my knees?" Kuja asked. "My knees are getting sore."

Cue Asmodeus. He wrapped Kuja from behind with his muscled and slightly sweaty arms. And Kuja did not like sweat. Pulling the sorcerer to his feet, the demon teased further. "Know who else said their knees were getting sore?"

"Unhand me!"

"Myself actually. Lady Hilda has a kink!"

Kuja could not argue with that statement.

Then he felt the pulling and tugging in his chest. Flames of blue and purple engulfed the thrones and when died down, there stood forth the golden scales and Persephone holding a red, shrunken heart. The pulling and tugging evolved into crushing. Kuja gasped, grimaced, no longer resisted the sweaty arms of Asmodeus. The sorcerer could watch and listen, but could not protest any charges made against him.

Hades spoke. "You stand accused, Dark Messenger, of destroying the planet Terra. I built that, by the way. Terra was my planet."

Oops.

"You illegally created new lifeforms for the sole purpose of violence and further destruction without giving such lifeforms agency."

Gee, Hades doesn't like mindless robot creation. Who would've guessed that? If Kuja could roll his eyes and speak in sarcasm, he would.

"You harmed a child."

... Eiko? The brat? Kuja could feel the glare of Lilith upon his heart. He could feel her willing the organ to explode.

"But yet," Hades paused, deciding to forgo anymore professionalism. "You got me a little stumped, pretty boy. By all accounts, I should force you into manual labor for all eternity. That giant ass boulder isn't going to push itself up the mountain, y'anno?"

Oh, so Lady Hilda was right about that, too. He really regretted not reading more of her grimoire, but that one full frontal drawing of Asmodeus forced him to close it and get a drink. (Not a stiff drink, though - too soon.)

"See, this is what happens if I weigh your heart. Babe, if you care to show the class." His wife placed the heart against the feather. Everyone in attendance expected the heart to crash to the floor with a clatter, but it did not. It balanced itself with the feather. The scales remained equal.

"HE STILL HAS A TINY DICK!"

"Sorcerers with tiny dicks can still defend themselves," said Hades. "Kuja, you can talk now."

Asmodeus released him, but in the netherworld all power all power was under the Dark Lord's control. Kuja could finally stand by his own accord, but he was bound by a pentagram beneath his feet. There was nothing left in him save his spirit. "My brother," he began, "rightfully defeated me with the help of his companions. I believed myself to be all-powerful, but my magick was incomplete. It wasn't enough."

Hades quirked a grin. "Keep going. This is fun."

"They beat me and I accept that. They were strong, strong enough to even defeat that ... horrid thing after me. Though I lay close to death, I teleported my brother and his companions to safety. It was the least I could do." All eyes were on him, which made him feel a little more at ease. He liked being the center of attention. "I didn't expect Zidane to come back for me. I didn't want him to, so with the tiny amount that I had, I protected him so he wouldn't join me here. No offense, of course."

"Nah, you're good."

Asmodeus nodded. "Hilda said he was quite skilled." Because Asmodeus does not believe in jealousy or virginity, though any and all comments were fair game for innuendo.

The throne of the underworld welcomed back its king. "Self-sacrifice," Hades said. "Twice. Do you see the problem guys?"

Lilith blew a raspberry and made an obscene gesture to, well, everybody in the general area. Citizens who knew how to talk with their hands gasped and clutched their pearls. "Just feed his tiny dick to Set and call it an era."

"Nope." The Dark Lord scratched the back of a lesser demon. "Can't do it. The soul learned humility and eternal punishment is overkill. I'll be honest though, I don't want him wandering around here forever because he's annoying, but I can't let him into our tranquil fields."

Kuja stood tall. "Whatever your punishment, I accept it."

"Good, 'cuz I got a good one! Don't fret, it's temporary, but after it's over I'll give you a place on my forums as a scribe."

Not quite the level of a magistrate, but still in service of the one who controls Ifrit.

"Do it!" chanted a horde of lesser demons. "Do it, do it, do it!"

* * *

"Hail Hilda! Hail Hades!"

Two moons shone over the forest grove, casting a light of blues and reds where even fairies decided not to leave their footsteps. While some called it a calming circle, others called it a circle of invocation. Since time immemorial, there were spirits who found themselves trapped upon Gaia and at the mercy of a coven who used such spirits for their bidding. The Grand High Priestess and Supreme of the Order earned complete control and subjugation because she did the will of Hades upon the earth.

Witches cloaked in velvet circled around a stone altar where the recently elected High Priestess stood at its center. Blonde waves escaped from the dark red hood and delicate hands held steady to the cold stone. She winked toward the little summoner by the cluster of trees, a sharp horn sticking out from her white cloak; as a child, she was too young to participate in the festivities. "Less than a familiar, but more than sprite, come forth o' cursed one!"

Eiko wasn't entirely alone while the coven performed its invocation. A tall fae with dark skin and a top hat stood close and gave her a smile. "Watch your momma, child. Learn how she leads us witches." He took a puff off his cigar and blew circles in the warm air. His magick was grounded in the folk and hearth, with roots in the forgotten continent and bones of his distant ancestors.

Literal roots and bones, like the ones that decorated the stone altar beneath Hilda's hands.

"Forgotten by the earth, but made useful by the Dark Lord, I give you form o' cursed one." Hilda's voice spoke strong, while her witches continued their dance in their moonlight. "We are all a little wicked here, sorcerer, but none are evil."

Eiko fixed her gaze at the altar, where silver began to manifest on the stone. Everyone heard the clanging of chains, because cursed down below means in servitude up above. Still, the summoner didn't dare whisper his name.

The High Priestess showed no such fear. "I am your captor now, Kuja, and you are my prisoner. You shall obey all, les' Set eat upon thine organ and Ifrit swallow your fragile heart." Her smile was far from delicate and pure.

"Hail Hades!"

"You are bound by chains forged by Vulcan and I hold the key. You hold no power unless granted by me and mine. Accept thy fate, cursed sorcerer, and submit to MY power."

Silence swept across the coven; they waited for his response.

"Hail Hades."

Hilda glared, eyes cut sharp. "Try again, Kuja."

"... Hail Hilda."

Fire danced in her eyes, and it wasn't the reflection of the bonfire nearby.

**_PRAISE HADES_**


End file.
